Awake

I’m awake for no reason I can find; my littlest ones are with their Granny tonight, I should be making the most of the bed space and sleeping well…instead I find myself missing those fuzzy headed tickles and warm bodies against my back and my belly.

I hear the bigger kids shift as they near the end of sleep, and I pray their dreams are sweet and peaceful. I hope I can be the mom today that they need.

I hold my hands on my belly, trace lightly over faint lines that mark how I grew and stretched as we anticipated the births of our children. I picture it in three, six months, when this new life stirring inside is showing for the world to see, and I almost think maybe I feel the slightest hint of a flutter. An awakening. Hello, little one. Are you up, too, with imaginings about who we are?

I think about the babies who never made it to my arms, and let myself sit with the grief a moment; something I have had to teach myself is okay, even necessary.

I won’t sleep tonight. The children will wake soon, hungry and eager to regale me with tales from their adventures in slumberland. There will be laughter, and likely some tears. They won’t do everything right, and neither will I. We will forgive, we will move on. We will love.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m ready to begin.